by Kerina Luark, LLPC
Pediatric mental health clinician
Duncan Lake Therapy Collective
When someone you care about is experiencing depression, it can be hard to know what to do. You may worry about saying the wrong thing, wonder whether you should give them space, or feel pressure to somehow make things better. However, the good news is that supporting someone with depression doesn’t require having all the answers (or any answers, for that matter)! Often, the most meaningful support comes from simply showing up consistently, listening without judgment, and reminding the person that they matter.
If you’ve ever wondered about ways to support a loved one with depression, take a look at some examples below.
Listen, don’t fix.
When someone tells you they’re struggling, your first instinct may be to offer solutions. But depression isn’t something that can usually be solved with a positive attitude (in fact, toxic positivity can be super damaging), a new routine, or a list of things to try. Instead, give them space to talk. You might say, “I’m here if you want to talk,” or “That sounds really hard.” You don’t need to turn the conversation toward the bright side. Sometimes feeling heard and believed is exactly what someone needs.
It’s also important to remember that holding space often means that you might be a little uncomfortable. Watching a loved one struggle can be hard, but allowing them to be themselves and feel their feelings in front of you can be extremely helpful.
Keep checking in
Depression can make it difficult to reach out, even when someone wants connection. A person may stop responding to messages, cancel plans, or seem less interested in spending time together. Try not to assume that means they don’t want you around. Continue checking in without creating pressure to respond. A simple, “Thinking about you today, no need to text back” can remind someone that they haven’t been forgotten!
Offer specfic help
“Let me know if you need anything” is well intentioned, but depression can make it difficult to identify what you need, make decisions, or ask for help. Specific offers can be easier. Ask if you can bring dinner, pick something up from the store, sit with them for a while, help with a task, or go with them somewhere. They can always say no, but they don’t have to figure out what to ask for.
Keep inviting them
Someone experiencing depression may turn down plans repeatedly. Keep including them anyway! Invitations can also be simple and low pressure. Instead of a big social event, you might offer to watch a movie together, take a short walk, grab coffee, or simply sit together. Let them know that saying no is OK and that another invitation will come.
As a side note, insisting that they join you in something because it will make them feel better might seem supportive. However, this may apply undue pressure to someone who is already struggling.
Avoid minimizing
Comments like “Look on the bright side,” “Everyone feels sad sometimes,” or “You have so much to be grateful for” may be intended as encouragement, but they can make someone feel misunderstood. Depression is more than having a bad day or feeling sad. You don’t have to fully understand what someone is experiencing to take their feelings seriously.
You also don’t have to say anything. Again, sitting with the person and letting them talk is powerful.
Encourage professional support without judgment
Friends and family can provide important support, but they don’t have to become someone’s therapist. If the person is struggling, you can gently encourage them to connect with a mental health professional. You might even offer practical support, such as helping them look for providers or sitting with them while they make a call. The goal isn’t to force treatment, but to remind them that help is available and seeking it is okay.
Take concerns about safety safely
If someone talks about wanting to die, harming themselves, feeling like others would be better off without them, or not wanting to be here anymore, take it seriously. Sometimes, the knee-jerk reaction is to think someone is being “dramatic” or just looking for attention. However, statements about suicide or self-harm should never be dismissed. Even if you aren’t sure how serious the person is, respond with care, listen to what they are telling you, and help them connect with appropriate support.
It is OK to ask directly whether they are thinking about suicide. Asking about suicide does not put the idea into someone’s head. In the United States, you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If there is an immediate danger or medical emergency, call 911 or seek emergency care.
You don’t need perfect words (or any words, for that matter)
Supporting someone with depression is rarely about saying exactly the right thing. It’s about being present, being patient, and continuing to care even when the person may not have the energy to engage in the way they normally would. You cannot take someone’s depression away, but you can help make sure they don’t have to experience it without support.
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